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First haircut today!

Before:

After:

- Matthew loves Dixie, his daycare provider, and the other kids whom she watches. We know he likes it a lot, because he’s treating it like home – all the kids now, as they get ready for lunch, say, “Put Matthew in the high chair first!” because if they don’t, he wanders around, taking food from everyone’s plates.

- Today, I took Matthew to get his very long hair cut. He hated every minute of it, but looks quite adorable. The sad part is that he really looks like a little boy now, and not a baby. At what point will I ever stop thinking of him as my baby?

- I am down 4.4 lbs from my first week returning to Weight Watchers and running again. Both parts of the plan (the eating and the running) have gone better than the first time I got serious, and better than I expected as well. I don’t think my weight loss will continue in this dramatic fashion – I think my body’s a little bit in shock. “What do you mean, run? Christ, I haven’t done this in a year. Where’s my chips? Sour cream? Wait, you mean we’re not going … what are you doing?” Things I’ve learned thus far? It feels amazing to me when at the end of a day I have proof that I’ve eaten cleanly (I’m counting every morsel of food that crosses my lips). It feels amazing to me that my endurance with regards to running hasn’t dropped down as much as I thought it would have (perhaps lugging around a 30 lb baby helps in this regard). It feels amazing to me that I am slowly regaining control of my life again – the very sustenance of it.

It just feels really, really good.

Of course, today we ended up eating our weights in dim sum in San Francisco – we met up with some friends in the Inner Richmond and while the food was good, I quickly realized how sane and sensible eating all week long, with one off day last week, really makes a difference – I ate too much too fast and was too bloated. Ugh. It was quite tasty, still, but definitely not repeating that mistake again.

On the slate for tomorrow – the farmer’s market and a run. This time without the dog – she can’t keep up, the lazy slug.

Before:

After:

Lately, whenever I read a story about a tragedy involving a baby or child, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Yeah, yeah, motherhood has softened me, probably predictably. I can’t really help it – it’s like instead of having a baby inside me, after I had him I suddenly grew a heart and the ability to empathize.

In some ways I think I was expecting it – it seems natural and logical that these things develop after having a baby. But I wasn’t expecting a sympathy or empathy in the opposite direction. I read stories and news articles about parents who murder their children or cause great harm and abuse to their kids, either on purpose or not. I was actually going to type and link to the story, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Anyway, what surprises me most about how these stories affect me now is that I feel a tremendous empathy toward the mother of these children, who are killed or abused or harmed in any way. I remember how hard it was to bounce back emotionally after having Matthew – and I can only fathom, briefly, what it must be like to let myself get to the point where I would even consider abuse or violence as an option to handle my son. It scares the hell out of me. I feel the other way too – heartache for the baby, but I feel mostly scared – and an indescribable urge to creep into Matthew’s room and watch him breathe.

1. Hi, my name is Matthew., 2. Oh, Baba, you’re such a card., 3. Holy shit!, 4. Top down

Created with fd’s Flickr Toys.

See the other pictures uploaded today here.

Dear Matthew:

We’re pretty much settled into our home in the Bay Area, although we’re still waiting on your permanent crib (should be here this weekend or Monday latest), and for a dresser for you, but otherwise, here we are. This month marked your discovery and mastery of those two sausages attached to your body – your legs. That’s right, you figured out how to walk, which means that the poor dog is now in a whole heap of trouble.

You not only walk, but sometimes you waddle/run. You get so excited sometimes when we hold our arms out wide and you run into them, hugging us tightly. And then you get really excited when we run after you and you hightail it away from us, enjoying the chase.

You are such an affectionate boy. In the mornings, after you’ve gotten a good night’s sleep (and thank GOD you’ve resumed sleeping more soundly through the night, by far*) you hop up and smile huge, I pick you up and you hug me tight and close for a hug. It is the best thing ever, by far. What’s also really cool – when Baba brings you to meet me at the train station, you take one look at me and break into a huge grin and sometimes are so excited you actually chuckle. Babies chuckling!

But you’re not so much a baby anymore – you’re definitely a toddler. You’re growing up. You’re spending your days now at Dixie’s and once you get over the indignity of Baba leaving you to have fun, you get down to the business of having fun. You love it at her place – you eat all of her watermelon and flirt with a little girl, Brooke, who is 3 days younger than you and a little over half your weight. I asked the folks there today how you did and besides the not napping, they mentioned how you’ve kissed Brooke a few times. Ha! I suppose it’s okay, though – Baba mentioned once that he thought you had a bruise on your cheek, but upon further inspection, it was lipstick – probably from Brooke’s mom when she gave you a kiss. Brooke looks for you in the morning – partners in crime, through and through.

At home, you’ve learned how much fun it is to “play” with Ava, who is being a good sport about your roughhousing, bless her heart. You charge at her full force and dive bomb into her, while she’s lazy and asleep near the window. Sometimes you’re a little sadistic and when Ava is curled up comfy underneath Baba’s desk, you will take Baba’s chair and repeatedly shove it into her, laughing. She always escapes, but always asks for more. She loves you with every bit of her furry being, the loyal dog. You have a good friend in her, Matthew. I hope one day you realize that when you’re not busy torturing her!

You are so much fun to be around. You understand so much, which means Mama and Baba have to really watch our mouths and gestures. The last thing we need is a report from daycare that you’ve flipped someone the bird and called them… well, you know.

Things you totally get:

- “Say hi!” (you wave your hand very deliberately)
- “Say bye!” (you wave your entire arm very manically)
- “Do you want something to eat?” (you start following us and grabbing for our food, oink oink)
- “Do you want milk?” or “Do you want to nurse?” (you dip your head and look for your bottle of milk or down for a boob)
- “Where’s Mama’s/Baba’s belly?” (you look all around, lift our shirts up, and try to give us raspberries)
- “Where’s Matthew?” (you turn around, as if to say, “Duh, I’m right HERE, Mama!”)
- “Where’s Matthew’s belly button?” (you lift your shirt and poke and pinch your belly)

I have a feeling that your starting daycare at Dixie’s will mean that the new things you’ll do will keep right on coming. I am torn and conflicted – I can’t wait for you to keep developing into your own person, but I desperately miss the little schmoo who once curled neatly into my side at night to nurse and sleep. I love the person you’re becoming and miss the baby you once were.

Man, this parenting thing is hard.

Anyway, until next month!

Love, Mama.

*this doesn’t mean Mama and Baba are getting more sleep, because they are chumps.

Matthew and I are going to be participating in a 5 mile walk in San Francisco on October 20, 2007, making strides against breast cancer. If you can, we’d love your support! Click that link to see how you can support us! And thanks!

Matthew’s down to one nap a day, and for the most part, he’s done really well on it – sleeps nicely and deeply. Except today, when he was asleep for about 15 minutes and then woke up, really angry, pissed off, and exhausted. We weren’t able to get him back to sleep.

But what happens when you’re 13 months old and you missed a nap?

You fall asleep in the middle of dinner…

…while clutching onto a piece of rotini…

…and your baba takes a picture of you…

…and your mama does too.

And then she posts those pictures on the internet.

Other pictures posted today, including a butt shot. He ran away from me while we were getting ready for bathtime. He headed straight for my laptop – this kid is definitely a product of Josh and me.

Matthew’s down to one nap a day, and for the most part, he’s done really well on it – sleeps nicely and deeply. Except today, when he was asleep for about 15 minutes and then woke up, really angry, pissed off, and exhausted. We weren’t able to get him back to sleep.

But what happens when you’re 13 months old and you missed a nap?

You fall asleep in the middle of dinner…

…while clutching onto a piece of rotini…

…and your baba takes a picture of you…

…and your mama does too.

And then she posts those pictures on the internet.

Other pictures posted today, including a butt shot. He ran away from me while we were getting ready for bathtime. He headed straight for my laptop – this kid is definitely a product of Josh and me.